The following conversation happened between 11:20 and 11:25 p.m. Before I begin, I should note that the other party involved in this exchange has demonstrated his culinary talents many times before. That is not to say, however, that he doesn’t struggle every now and again. Not unlike some blog authors who drop pies and feed their grocery bags to ice cube makers (it’s still in there).
The premise: Strand and his friend are making dinner tonight. This is not unusual.
Strand: Um, do you have Cajun seasoning?
Me: Uhh, no… Why what are you trying to make?
Strand: What about onion powder?
Me: Oh, yeah, of course.
Strand: Garlic powder?
Me: Yes. I have onion powder. I have garlic powder. I have curry. I have coriander. I have pretty much any spice you would want. Everything except turmeric. I don’t have turmeric. Do you want me to bring paprika?
Strand: Maybe. Sure. Do you have chili powder?
Me: Everything except turmeric and chili powder.
Strand: Yeah, that’s okay; we’ll get it at Whole Foods. Next question: how do you bake with strawberries?
Me: [pausing to ask silently, “wtf?”] Uh, well, that might depend on what you want to do with them. What does the recipe say?
Strand: [avoiding the question] Like, if I’m using fresh strawberries, do I want them to be ripe?
Me: Oh. Yeah. But check the recipe, because you might need to macerate them a little first.
Strand: [pause] Did you just say a dirty word?
Me: Macerate? Mix them with some sugar and maybe a little hot water? To break them down?
Strand: Ohhhhh. Hmmm, macerate. Okay. [pause] What does rhubarb look like?
Me: [I offered to bake; why did they say no?] Umm… imagine big, magenta celery. Why? [I know why. This is not good.]
Strand: Magenta celery, okay. Would they have it at Whole Foods?
Me: Definitely… in several months.
Strand: Oh. Hmm. Okay.
Me: Are you sure you don’t want me to bring anything?
Strand: Just onion powder and garlic powder.