Today in Mixed Metaphors

Yes, it has been a big day in figurative language. And yes, I am a nerd for enjoying this stuff.

First, Hillary Clinton said that electing Republicans to fix the damage of the last eight years of government is like electing "the iceberg to save the Titanic." I thought that was pretty funny, especially since Titanic was on Friday night and I happened to watch the 45 minutes when the iceberg shows the Titanic who's boss.

But then, on came Rachel Maddow, my new favorite political commentator (exclusive of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert). I watched most of her show tonight, and I am a huge fan. That said, one of her rhetorical flourishes struggled a little bit. That would be the one about "deference has a place in journalism as much as vertigo has a place in trapeze." Ummm... really? Granted, now the only substitutes I can conjure are terrible and based in diagnoses (as much as dyslexia has a place in a spelling bee? as much as anorexia has a place in a competitive eating event?), but I'm just me, whereas she has a staff.

That said, I am willing to forgive this analogous stumble in light of a few things. Saying that church and state are like peanut butter and chocolate, except that they are two good things that don't go together? I like it. But the icing on the cake (since frosting is also a good thing, perhaps in this case comparable to judicial review, in that frosting goes better with chocolate than with church) was definitely the title of the I-hope-recurring segment with Pat Buchanan. And yes, I-hope-recurring pretty much solely for the purpose of repeating the title...

"It's Pat!"

YES. Rachel Maddow, if you can get a Saturday Night Live reference into every show, you'll be able to phase out that pop culture minute. And given that this is election season (really?), it shouldn't be long before you work in "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and--gosh darn it-- people like me!"

Overheard at Eastern Market

Or rather, addressed directly to me at Eastern Market:

"Were you in the Olympics?"

HA. I love it. I don't even care if the guy who said it was making fun of me for wearing gym shorts and a sweaty--and screaming orange-- tank top. Best, most hilarious comment ever.

The Complete Summer of Kate (Abridged)

Well, it seems that once again time has slipped away from me, and I have found myself-- the prodigal blogger-- back at the keyboard repentant for my negligence. And so, to fill in the blanks a bit and give a sense of what was going on every time I thought about posting and concluded I didn't have enough to say, I submit the following:

The List of Stuff That Occurred (or Will Occur) This Summer (Post Early July) That Kate Thinks Was/Is/Will Be Cool

*I bought amazing new furniture at Eastern Market. It is this mirror-shelf-drawer thing that is hanging on the wall between my closets. It is old-looking, and I had to glue one of the drawer pulls back on, and it isn't really white. And I kind of wanted to die on the Metro on the way home with it (loud, crowded car full of tourists plus malfunction of the train in front of us equals unhappy Kate), but then some girl in Metro Center asked me about my mirror thingy and complimented me on finding such an awesome piece.

*I got a new computer! Hooray MacBook!

*I helped design the cake for my Grammy's 88th birthday party. It was themed after one of the staple foods of my childhood, mocha chip ice cream from Shady Glen. Chocolate chip cake with mocha frosting. Amazing. The only way it would have been better would have been with a large scoop of mocha chip on top.

* I went sailing with my dad for the first time in a long time. It was the first time he had taken the boat-- which is named Anyway-- out all summer. I sometimes forget that Old Saybrook is really pretty, and seeing it from the water is a good reminder.

*I bought peaches from Eastern Market and blackberries from the Dupont Circle farmer's market. The peaches I devoured (another one will meet its end tomorrow); the blackberries I made into blackberry crisp.

*I went kayaking at the beach. The only minor problem was that I pulled up at the wrong spot in the creek when I returned, which meant shlogging through the marsh a touch to get the kayak out of the water. There is marsh grass permanently embedded in one of my Rainbows, which I rather enjoy.

*I'm going kayaking again tomorrow at Thompson Boat Center with my department!

*I went on an expedition to Old Town Alexandria and went to this awesome boutique, Treat, where I found an amazing dress.

*I witnessed two arrests... neither of which was of me. Gotta look on the bright side.

*I arm wrestled a roller derby girl at a literary magazine issue release party. I lost, but not in a completely embarrassing way (I held my own for a while... or at least I didn't drop immediately). I also learned that foot positioning, leverage, and mental preparation are integral to successful arm wrestling.

*There is a great little band that plays at the south entrance of the Dupont Metro at least one night a week, so I hear them on my walk home. I think this is great.

*Some random guy on the street said 'bonjour' to me, and when I responded in kind he tried to start a conversation in French. Unfortunately, I was in a hurry, so he didn't really get past 'ça va?'

*I started church shopping. Some people seem unfamiliar with this concept-- I try various Episcopal churches until I find one I really like. In the course of shopping, I ran into someone from my church at home!

*My grammy, upon hearing that my ridiculous, bright orange toenails were the result of a pedicure, called me a "rich bitch." It was accompanied by a [non-lewd] hand gesture. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen and heard.

*I got another pedicure, this time sponsored by my department (woohoo for team outings!) and my toenails are now lime green. They are sweet. Somewhere, my mother is shaking her head and asking herself what compels me to do these things.

*I went to karaoke and performed "Hit Me With Your Best Shot." This is not especially unusual for me. I was, however, stone cold sober at the time. That is somewhat unusual, given the general tone of most of my karaoke outings.

*My mom got me a mango pitter as a housewarming gift. It works like an apple corer, but the center blades are shaped like a mango pit. It works alarmingly well.

*I am going to a wedding this weekend. This is my first non-family wedding ever. I don't even know the people, which means I will be a great wingman (my purpose at this event) because I will throw my "date" at any girl who walks by with the reckless abandon of someone who knows no one.

*We shotgunned on the fire escape. Not once, but twice in one day. It is possible that one or both of those instances was a mistake, but we had to christen the new place. Besides, it would have been a little out of our way to go shotgun in the Dean's courtyard.

*I got the coolest bag ever. It is giant and made of recycled sails.

*I joined a book club. And I finished the book in time and made mango salsa (see mango pitter), thereby ensuring that I would not be that awkward, quiet kid in section. This book club is great.

*I have continued my habit of showing my love by baking. The problem with this habit is that I typically plan these displays of affection somewhat haphazardly. As a result, I am now an expert at walking (and riding the bus) around DC wearing a sundress and oven mitts as I try not to burn myself on the 350˚F baking dishes I routinely tote around the city.

*Wine game in our apartment. Another one of those "good idea? or great idea?" situations in which the real answer might be "bad idea."

*I resolved to post more consistently!

Home Invasion

You know that you really live in a place when you have to do all those things that people do in their homes. Last night, this involved laundry. Tonight, this involved fighting off an intruder. Yes, that's right. Tonight, I single-handedly-- well with the assistance of a cup and some newspaper-- trapped and banished the largest bug I have ever seen in real life.

It all started typically enough. Windows open, sitting in a big comfy chair, wasting time on the internet instead of unpacking my shoes... yes, there are enough of them that they constitute a category of items to unpack. Suddenly, drawn by the lure of the compact fluorescent lightbulbs in the ceiling fan, in charged the culprit. Imagine if baby turtles could fly. That would approximate this thing. You can understand my horror.

But I was fascinated as I watched it hone in on its beacon-- the bright, white light of the fan-- only to be smacked off course repeatedly by the rotating blades. Finally, disoriented to the point of doing the flying equivalent of a drunk stagger, it made its way toward my chair. I jumped up and proceeded to engage in an intensive bug-hunt, as it had fallen out of my view. I located it climbing up the very chair from which I had leaped, and in a fit of resourcefulness and humanity, I trapped it under a cup to let it outside. Yes, I probably gave that thing a heart attack, thereby negating the benevolence of my release plan. And yes, I decided on this course of action mostly because of my concern I couldn't kill it on the first try and my hesitance to squash bug goo into our pretty chairs. But overall, I think I took the high road.

Also, I am never opening that window again, since the bug is deranged and spent the next 10 minutes trying to break through the glass to get back to the light. At least not without a screen that is rated for UFO-sided insects.

Street Soccer

This morning I finally stopped for a minute to talk to the guy who hangs out at the Georgetown end of the M Street bridge. He was reading the Post Express, and when I asked him if there was any good news, he told me about the street soccer tournament in D.C. this weekend. As he put it, "It's interesting, because it gives homeless people an opportunity to represent themselves athletically."

As it turns out, it is even more interesting than that. The tournament this weekend (which is at 11th and H Streets NW, if you're around and interested) is the qualifying tournament for the U.S. team in the Homeless World Cup. Teams from around the world are traveling to Melbourne in December to play for the world title. The stories on the website are really compelling, and it seems like a cool cause, so I would encourage you to read about it.

Miss You Love

No, this post is not about my pining after anyone. Pine? Me? Oh please. But this post is about my missing various stuff. And what is any blog without the odd Daniel Johns shoutout?

Anyway, we're moving soon. Half of the contents of the apartment are already in storage (big ups to Rockville), which makes the living room look a little awkward-- four dining chairs with no dining room table, one lonely armchair in front of the coffee table and TV, an unopened jug of Carlo Rossi atop an empty bookshelf. Like I said, awkward.

The impending move has made me think about some of the things I'm going to miss about this place. I have also made note of a number of things I won't miss, but hey, no need to be too negative.

Miss: Looking out the window at the Lincoln Memorial. And the Jefferson Memorial. And the Washington Monument, the Capitol, the Smithsonian, Memorial Bridge, the Potomac, the Kennedy Center, and Roosevelt Island. Also, on the rare occasion that the Nats score a home run, the fireworks at the new ballpark. Fortunately, the Nats suck, so I won't really miss that many fireworks.

Miss: Our semi-functional elevator system. It's always an exciting adventure-- wondering how long it will take to get to the lobby, wondering if the elevator will stop at the lobby, wondering if the doors will open when it stops at whatever floor it damn well pleases. It might seem off that I will miss this death trap, but I bet I will as I drag my laundry down three flights of stairs. Fortunately, I don't do laundry very often.

Won't miss: Our water "quality." I'd rather not elaborate.

Won't miss: The Rosslyn Metro station. I hate that frickin escalator. Not that the Dupont escalator is that much shorter, but still. I'm also not a fan of the various chunks of concrete that are missing and the general inability of the ceiling tiles to keep water from cascading down onto the platform. When you're that far underground, you like to think that the infrastructure around you isn't literally crumbling.

Miss: The ladies who work at the front desk, especially Rhonda who always says hi to me and Janea who gave me free Nats tickets one time.

Miss: The hilarious people who live in our building. Notable personalities include the old guy who wears his Royals hat constantly whom I tried to convince to go vote in the primaries and the lady in the elevator the other day who looked at my legs, cautioned me to wear sunscreen, and told me about having carcinomas removed from her nose.

Won't miss: The creepy people in our building. There are sort of a lot of them. Many can be found smoking outside the entrance at all hours of the day and night.

Miss: Walking home across the Key Bridge, especially when it's high tide. (Yes, the Potomac is tidal as far up as D.C.; you can tell because at high tide it's pretty and at low tide there are visible tires and other detritus.) And especially on weekend nights in the summer, when people are out and you just see the running lights on all the boats.

Miss: Walking/running past my favorite view of D.C. I am telling you here and now that there is no better view of Washington than the one you get standing in the Iwo Jima Memorial park in Rosslyn, on the part of the path just to the left of the Netherlands Carrillon. If you ever want to see this, I will happily take you on a field trip.

Won't miss: The weird smell that has recently developed near the CVS on Lynn Street. Seriously. It started as a decaying garbage smell. Then we enjoyed a brief (day-long) scent of overtaxed septic system. For the past two days, it has smelled of something I can only define as drying seaweed mixed with mussels that were used for crab bait and were subsequently left to bake in the sun. And people wonder why I refuse to eat mussels...

Won't miss: State- (Commonwealth?)-run package stores. I have never even been in one, but they just freak me out in theory.

Miss: Subterranean Safeway. Most of the time their produce is not bad, which means that all of the time it is better than the one zucchini and three oranges in Soviet Safeway. Also, checkout guys are awesome, especially the one who always asks "How are you, beautiful?" and the one with the Snidely Whiplash mustache who told me they charge extra to fill reusable Trader Joe's bags.

Won't miss: Various emergency vehicles and big rigs on VA-110. They are actually louder than most of the planes landing at National, which I generally don't notice anymore.

Miss: The homeless guy I pass on the way to work. He hangs out at the Georgetown end of the M Street bridge over Rock Creek Parkway. Well, I think he's homeless, because he usually has a cup for donations, but maybe he's just trying to pick up a little extra cash on the side. I have never stopped to talk to him, because I am always tearing down the street trying to be less late, but I feel bad about this. If no one else is talking to him we exchange pleasantries-- he usually goes with, "Good morning, dear." Most of the time, though, I get no love because he's chatting up someone. Seriously, I have heard him talking politics (which is honestly not that surprising for a homeless guy in D.C.), but more often he is reading his original poetry. I have overheard bits and pieces, and what I've heard is good.

Won't miss: Our dysfunctional refrigerator. It is more accurately described as a freezer-- anything uncovered placed higher than the bottom shelf is liable to be covered in ice within an hour of entering said fridge.

All that said, I'm sure life in the new 'hood will be sure of its own quirks, both good and... entertaining. Sure, entertaining, that's it.

Kate Salutes Awesomeness

I just wanted to give a quick shout-out. I have been known to watch some TV in my time, and I have definitely watched some really bad TV--The X-Effect much?

But tonight, lacking anything more interesting, I watched a couple minutes of Denise Richards: It's Complicated. I was prepared to be really embarrassed about it, because to be honest I don't really care whether her assistant or her assistant's assistant is lying about something asinine. However, in what was probably a one-time-only event, Denise decided to build something. A playhouse for her daughters, in fact. Again, I was skeptical, especially when she started saying, "What are all these thiiings? You brought it without instructions?"

I mean, in her defense, I too have been charged with building "just four walls and a ceiling," and that process became the most grueling two months of my life, so I sympathize. I mean, full-scale Weimar Berlin apartment versus pink playhouse; to be honest, the playhouse sounds pretty easy after that. Nevertheless, I had my concerns about watching some blonde flailing around trying to understand the purpose of washers and nuts.

Fears allayed. Once she realized she needed a drill, Denise went on a fieldtrip to her friendly neighborhood hardware store and bought herself a DeWalt cordless drill-- with the help of the female clerk, I might add. After that it was smooth sailing, and if I were little again, I would think it was a pretty awesome playhouse. As it stands, I think it's pretty awesome that a mom built her daughters' playhouse on national TV.

And maybe next time we can step up for some real lumber and a saw too.